Sometimes when I'm in the middle of this parenting gig, I feel like Dorothy walking though the forest saying, "Lions and tigers and bears - OH MY!" I feel slightly tense, wondering what's going to jump out at me next. There's always something, isn't there?
With two teenagers and a tween in the house, we live in a hormonal war zone at times. There's testosterone and estrogen flying every which way, emotions at crazy (and completely unnecessary) levels, and illogical reasonings galore. Statements like, "You NEVER let me do ANYTHING" are not out of the ordinary. I've even had, a time or two, the "You're ruining my life" speech.
I'm relatively new at the eternal perspective approach to life, so I can't say that I have it down completely. But I recently learned that having the perspective of eternity does not save one from the hurt that comes with parenting teenagers. It helps me to deal with things in a more level headed way, but the pain is still there.
I have figured out a few things about my teenagers I can share, but you should know that I'm still in the middle of this and I have a lot to learn yet.
1. Our kids are all very different from each other. I cannot stress enough that there is not a one-size-fits-all method to parenting. I have three and each of my three needs different things at different times. They absolutely keep me on my toes.
2. No matter how mature and trustworthy a teen we have, we still have to keep our intuition finely tuned. We're talking about teenagers and in that alternate universe, there is no such thing as certainty. Their lives are becoming more separate from ours and more in tuned with those around them on a daily basis. (Any of you homeschoolers out there are going to relate less to this point, but I think homeschooling brings out a different sort of challenge with a teenager.) Some teens are going to come home and share everything that goes on in their lives, but most are not. Trust but verify... and the reaction you get from your teen when you verify is quite telling.
3. The one area in which all three of my kids are alike is in this: the more emotional their reaction, the greater the likelihood that a nerve has been struck and something needs to be addressed.
Sure, sometimes the emotional reaction comes from the fact that I have made a glaringly bad error in my parenting or my assessment of a situation. Obviously, this is also something that needs to be addressed to keep my relationship with my teen healthy. But most often, the reaction I'm getting from them is because I have hit on something that's going on in their lives that they haven't yet shared with me and we need to figure it out.
4. If we listen to everything they say, they will give themselves away eventually. Honestly, people, if we just listen and put two and two together we will come up with the right answer. I think the most common mistake made by parents of teens is doing more talking than listening. If we practice our listening skills, we will have some success in connecting with our teens even when they're not trying to connect... and sometimes even when they're not interested at all in connecting with us. If you're not used to listening to your teen, and your teen is not used to talking to you, try starting by simply asking them a few specific questions. Ask for three things they like and admire about a friend, for example. Ask what their favorite class is -- and then when they name it, ask them what makes it their favorite. The more they talk, the more we can piece together of their lives, the way they think, and how things are going around them. The more we know, the better we can guide them.
My kids are a constant challenge to me. I love them all so much, they are each unique and lovely, and I enjoy getting to know them better on a daily basis. They also take turns breaking my heart. Thank goodness they don't get together and all break it at the same time.
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