Raising teens in our crazy culture can feel like walking through a minefield, can't it? I send my teens to public school, and I'll tell you - it's crazy what they're exposed to on a daily basis.
In my kids' school, there is a heavy international emphasis (which is totally fine), and somehow this often translates into a heavy emphasis on Islam-the-peaceful-religion (which is not fine). Folks, I'm all for education, but I'm wholly and completely against misinformation.
There is also, at school, a great push for "diversity," which is also fine. But when that push for diversity becomes a push for my kids to embrace immoral behavior, that's not fine.
How to navigate such muddy waters?
First and foremost, the most important aspect of raising a teen is maintaining a positive relationship with your child. This can be challenging when their moods are swinging wildly out of control or when they seem to have lost their compass for a while... but constantly reaching out to them and letting them know they're loved is paramount. Growing up is hard work... and just like we, as parents, need some room to make mistakes now and then, our kids need room to breathe and figure things out.
Nurturing a strong relationship with our teens gives us more access to their daily lives. They are more likely to share both triumphs and challenges. They are more likely to tell us what is being said in school. They will definitely come to us for help when they feel desperate. The importance of a strong relationship cannot be overstated.
Second, we need to remain involved. Ask questions - not just of our teen, but also of the school - the church - the parents of friends. Read their textbooks and find out what they are learning. Read the book selections for their language arts classes. Don't be afraid to address concerns about the contents of the reading material (preferably without going over the top -- nobody likes a book burner).
Third, when our teen comes to us for advice or encouragement, try very hard not to give out overly negative reactions to anything they say. Remember they are growing up and working on figuring out this thing called life. If they are going to make a poor decision (you just know it) and it will not result in major injury or death, let them make it. You can offer your advice, but let them decide for themselves what they will choose. Then, without further comment, let them follow through on their choice. Then, with no "I told you so," let them experience the full effect. Never rescue them from the consequences. Remember, the very best parent is God. He offers his children free will - and he allows them to experiences the consequences. He offers His guidance and gives rules, but he does not control.
And last -- make sure your teen knows that you think they are worth your time and energy. Because they are.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Parenting Teens and Tweens, OH MY!
Sometimes when I'm in the middle of this parenting gig, I feel like Dorothy walking though the forest saying, "Lions and tigers and bears - OH MY!" I feel slightly tense, wondering what's going to jump out at me next. There's always something, isn't there?
With two teenagers and a tween in the house, we live in a hormonal war zone at times. There's testosterone and estrogen flying every which way, emotions at crazy (and completely unnecessary) levels, and illogical reasonings galore. Statements like, "You NEVER let me do ANYTHING" are not out of the ordinary. I've even had, a time or two, the "You're ruining my life" speech.
I'm relatively new at the eternal perspective approach to life, so I can't say that I have it down completely. But I recently learned that having the perspective of eternity does not save one from the hurt that comes with parenting teenagers. It helps me to deal with things in a more level headed way, but the pain is still there.
I have figured out a few things about my teenagers I can share, but you should know that I'm still in the middle of this and I have a lot to learn yet.
1. Our kids are all very different from each other. I cannot stress enough that there is not a one-size-fits-all method to parenting. I have three and each of my three needs different things at different times. They absolutely keep me on my toes.
2. No matter how mature and trustworthy a teen we have, we still have to keep our intuition finely tuned. We're talking about teenagers and in that alternate universe, there is no such thing as certainty. Their lives are becoming more separate from ours and more in tuned with those around them on a daily basis. (Any of you homeschoolers out there are going to relate less to this point, but I think homeschooling brings out a different sort of challenge with a teenager.) Some teens are going to come home and share everything that goes on in their lives, but most are not. Trust but verify... and the reaction you get from your teen when you verify is quite telling.
3. The one area in which all three of my kids are alike is in this: the more emotional their reaction, the greater the likelihood that a nerve has been struck and something needs to be addressed.
Sure, sometimes the emotional reaction comes from the fact that I have made a glaringly bad error in my parenting or my assessment of a situation. Obviously, this is also something that needs to be addressed to keep my relationship with my teen healthy. But most often, the reaction I'm getting from them is because I have hit on something that's going on in their lives that they haven't yet shared with me and we need to figure it out.
4. If we listen to everything they say, they will give themselves away eventually. Honestly, people, if we just listen and put two and two together we will come up with the right answer. I think the most common mistake made by parents of teens is doing more talking than listening. If we practice our listening skills, we will have some success in connecting with our teens even when they're not trying to connect... and sometimes even when they're not interested at all in connecting with us. If you're not used to listening to your teen, and your teen is not used to talking to you, try starting by simply asking them a few specific questions. Ask for three things they like and admire about a friend, for example. Ask what their favorite class is -- and then when they name it, ask them what makes it their favorite. The more they talk, the more we can piece together of their lives, the way they think, and how things are going around them. The more we know, the better we can guide them.
My kids are a constant challenge to me. I love them all so much, they are each unique and lovely, and I enjoy getting to know them better on a daily basis. They also take turns breaking my heart. Thank goodness they don't get together and all break it at the same time.
With two teenagers and a tween in the house, we live in a hormonal war zone at times. There's testosterone and estrogen flying every which way, emotions at crazy (and completely unnecessary) levels, and illogical reasonings galore. Statements like, "You NEVER let me do ANYTHING" are not out of the ordinary. I've even had, a time or two, the "You're ruining my life" speech.
I'm relatively new at the eternal perspective approach to life, so I can't say that I have it down completely. But I recently learned that having the perspective of eternity does not save one from the hurt that comes with parenting teenagers. It helps me to deal with things in a more level headed way, but the pain is still there.
I have figured out a few things about my teenagers I can share, but you should know that I'm still in the middle of this and I have a lot to learn yet.
1. Our kids are all very different from each other. I cannot stress enough that there is not a one-size-fits-all method to parenting. I have three and each of my three needs different things at different times. They absolutely keep me on my toes.
2. No matter how mature and trustworthy a teen we have, we still have to keep our intuition finely tuned. We're talking about teenagers and in that alternate universe, there is no such thing as certainty. Their lives are becoming more separate from ours and more in tuned with those around them on a daily basis. (Any of you homeschoolers out there are going to relate less to this point, but I think homeschooling brings out a different sort of challenge with a teenager.) Some teens are going to come home and share everything that goes on in their lives, but most are not. Trust but verify... and the reaction you get from your teen when you verify is quite telling.
3. The one area in which all three of my kids are alike is in this: the more emotional their reaction, the greater the likelihood that a nerve has been struck and something needs to be addressed.
Sure, sometimes the emotional reaction comes from the fact that I have made a glaringly bad error in my parenting or my assessment of a situation. Obviously, this is also something that needs to be addressed to keep my relationship with my teen healthy. But most often, the reaction I'm getting from them is because I have hit on something that's going on in their lives that they haven't yet shared with me and we need to figure it out.
4. If we listen to everything they say, they will give themselves away eventually. Honestly, people, if we just listen and put two and two together we will come up with the right answer. I think the most common mistake made by parents of teens is doing more talking than listening. If we practice our listening skills, we will have some success in connecting with our teens even when they're not trying to connect... and sometimes even when they're not interested at all in connecting with us. If you're not used to listening to your teen, and your teen is not used to talking to you, try starting by simply asking them a few specific questions. Ask for three things they like and admire about a friend, for example. Ask what their favorite class is -- and then when they name it, ask them what makes it their favorite. The more they talk, the more we can piece together of their lives, the way they think, and how things are going around them. The more we know, the better we can guide them.
My kids are a constant challenge to me. I love them all so much, they are each unique and lovely, and I enjoy getting to know them better on a daily basis. They also take turns breaking my heart. Thank goodness they don't get together and all break it at the same time.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Parenting With an Eternal Perspective
Every day of parenting is a new adventure, isn't it? Well, okay -- sometimes the adventure doesn't feel so new. There are days when a parent thinks, "This... again?? I thought we were over this!" Then we get back to the basics to try and "correct the problem."
I'm on to a new line of thinking in my parenting, though. What if our parenting isn't about correcting problems, fixing bad behaviors, and turning out well-behaved children? (I know... *gasp*... what will people think if our children are exhibiting bad behaviors?? We can't have that! We need to be one of the parents who has control of our children... one whose children behave like the perfect little sweet things we know they can be!) But what if perfectly behaved children isn't our goal at all?
I've come to the conclusion that parenting isn't about behavior. Parenting is about the heart. Seeing our children not as problems to be fixed, but as eternal souls to be guided into the loving arms of a Savior does several things in a family:
1. It strengthens the relationship between parent and child. A child who is forever being "fixed" goes through life feeling like they're never quite what they were supposed to be. A child who is guided gently and lovingly toward Jesus at every turn is a child who is more likely to feel loved for who they are and where they're at. A child who is more closely bonded to their parent is more likely to welcome and accept a parent's guidance... leading to a spectacular circle of reaching their heart - and ultimately likely resulting in good choices and positive behavior anyway.
2. It allows a parent to let go of the outcome and enjoy their child right where they are. In giving my children back to God, recognizing and truly believing that He loves them far more than I ever could, I am able to take a step back and say, "Hey... my child is really struggling with ______. I'll pray for that and trust God for the outcome, whatever it may be." Then, I can give my child gentle reminders of the natural consequences of their behavior (never rescuing them from those consequences), and love them through it all. It takes the negative emotion out of my response to them, and it engages them in their own outcome while I remain delightfully detached from the outcome and attached to my child.
3. It helps our children to see God for who He is, rather than as a white-bearded judge waiting to ding them on any wrong move they make. Some kids grow up viewing God as the police officer waiting around the corner to catch them speeding. Newsflash... God knows everything we do before we even do it. And, knowing all this, He still loved us enough to send us His Son as our savior.
4. It grows our trust in God. There's nothing that will help us to trust God more than trusting Him in the first place. It's another one of those spectacular circles. The more faith we are willing to place in Him, the more we recognize how completely trustworthy He is and the more we hand over to Him.
5. With an eternal perspective, even the "big" things appear small. Parenting a child who is going through a turbulent time, regardless of how they are acting out, can feel overwhelming. Trying to correct behaviors that we know can cause lasting damage to our children's lives can actually induce a parent to panic when they cannot achieve their goal, leading to emotional outbursts and fractured families. Keeping our perspective eternal helps us to continue to point our children to Jesus even while guiding them through the suffering they have brought on themselves (still, of course, never rescuing them from the natural consequences of their actions.) An eternal perspective maintains that God has a plan for our children, regardless of what our current physical circumstances may be.
If we can remember that we are all spiritual beings having a physical experience, and that life is not about what is here temporally, just imagine how awesome life could be...
I'm on to a new line of thinking in my parenting, though. What if our parenting isn't about correcting problems, fixing bad behaviors, and turning out well-behaved children? (I know... *gasp*... what will people think if our children are exhibiting bad behaviors?? We can't have that! We need to be one of the parents who has control of our children... one whose children behave like the perfect little sweet things we know they can be!) But what if perfectly behaved children isn't our goal at all?
I've come to the conclusion that parenting isn't about behavior. Parenting is about the heart. Seeing our children not as problems to be fixed, but as eternal souls to be guided into the loving arms of a Savior does several things in a family:
1. It strengthens the relationship between parent and child. A child who is forever being "fixed" goes through life feeling like they're never quite what they were supposed to be. A child who is guided gently and lovingly toward Jesus at every turn is a child who is more likely to feel loved for who they are and where they're at. A child who is more closely bonded to their parent is more likely to welcome and accept a parent's guidance... leading to a spectacular circle of reaching their heart - and ultimately likely resulting in good choices and positive behavior anyway.
2. It allows a parent to let go of the outcome and enjoy their child right where they are. In giving my children back to God, recognizing and truly believing that He loves them far more than I ever could, I am able to take a step back and say, "Hey... my child is really struggling with ______. I'll pray for that and trust God for the outcome, whatever it may be." Then, I can give my child gentle reminders of the natural consequences of their behavior (never rescuing them from those consequences), and love them through it all. It takes the negative emotion out of my response to them, and it engages them in their own outcome while I remain delightfully detached from the outcome and attached to my child.
3. It helps our children to see God for who He is, rather than as a white-bearded judge waiting to ding them on any wrong move they make. Some kids grow up viewing God as the police officer waiting around the corner to catch them speeding. Newsflash... God knows everything we do before we even do it. And, knowing all this, He still loved us enough to send us His Son as our savior.
4. It grows our trust in God. There's nothing that will help us to trust God more than trusting Him in the first place. It's another one of those spectacular circles. The more faith we are willing to place in Him, the more we recognize how completely trustworthy He is and the more we hand over to Him.
5. With an eternal perspective, even the "big" things appear small. Parenting a child who is going through a turbulent time, regardless of how they are acting out, can feel overwhelming. Trying to correct behaviors that we know can cause lasting damage to our children's lives can actually induce a parent to panic when they cannot achieve their goal, leading to emotional outbursts and fractured families. Keeping our perspective eternal helps us to continue to point our children to Jesus even while guiding them through the suffering they have brought on themselves (still, of course, never rescuing them from the natural consequences of their actions.) An eternal perspective maintains that God has a plan for our children, regardless of what our current physical circumstances may be.
If we can remember that we are all spiritual beings having a physical experience, and that life is not about what is here temporally, just imagine how awesome life could be...
Monday, October 1, 2012
Creating A Happy Home - From A Woman's Perspective
Some people struggle with the fact that they are living in an unhappy environment. They didn't hit the lotto with their choice of spouse... their children are unmanageable... whatever the problem may be... and they look around at other homes that appear to be happy and think, "Why didn't I get that?" Call it the Big Bang Family Theory. They think that these families somehow simply experienced a Big Bang, and organization and happiness ensued.
Alas, just as the Big Bang Theory in science class is a ludicrous idea as to how an organized universe came to existence, the Big Bang Family Theory is ridiculous. Happy homes aren't born, they're formed. They're molded. They're created through direct action. There are a few simple steps a woman can take to encourage contentment in her home:
1. Family is... imperfect people living in an imperfect world with other imperfect people. Never forget that we are also imperfect. Getting too big for our britches and trying to control everything never ends well. Never.
2. Remember to be a servant - and enjoy it. Learn to appreciate the rewards of simply serving others. Regardless of what our strengths are in the home, there will always be some things we just don't enjoy doing. But training ourselves to see serving our families as an honor goes a long way to creating an atmosphere of contentment.
3. Welcome our husbands home at the end of their day. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in whatever we have going on around the house that we forget our husbands need us, too. It doesn't take long to remember them and appreciate them for a moment.
4. Develop an attitude of positive encouragement for those around us. Whether we're guiding our first grader through homework, helping our teenager deal with the loss of their first love, or talking with our husband about a problem in our marriage, an attitude of positive encouragement will get us much further than nagging criticism. It will not only help to solve whatever problem we're dealing with faster, it will also go a long way in creating an atmosphere of contentment in our homes.
5. Offer forgiveness freely. Holding on to an offense hurts us, damages our families, and creates a constant undercurrent of tension in the home. Letting go of the hurt, forgiving, and moving on does the opposite.
6. Forget about "my way or the highway." Whether or not we get our own way doesn't really matter in the long run. Really. I'm serious. Even when it comes to something that feels incredibly important at the time, jump ten years into the future and look back on that "big deal" and you will see that it really wasn't that big a deal after all. If you're old enough to be reading this and stay with me this far, you're at least old enough to know that now - at the age of fifteen - it doesn't really matter that much that you didn't get the swing at recess. And if you've made it to 40, you know that now it doesn't really matter that you ended up camping instead of going to that hotel in Belize. And if you just read that and said, "Yes, it really does matter," refer back to #5.
7. Be truthful. It's not always easy to say what's true - but it should be a rule in our homes if we want contentment. Not being trustworthy damages relationships. All relationships.
8. Expect and accept the truth. Even more difficult than speaking the truth is hearing it. Let's face it, sometimes the truth about ourselves isn't all that fun. But if we have a spouse who is willing to tell us the truth, we should embrace it. It builds trust, and it can help us to see ourselves in a different light leading us to make positive changes.
9. Remain engaged, even when the going gets rough. It can be so tempting to pull away from family members who are presenting specific challenges to us at times. But pulling away is not a recipe for contentment or peace.
10. Never give up. 'Nuff said.
Alas, just as the Big Bang Theory in science class is a ludicrous idea as to how an organized universe came to existence, the Big Bang Family Theory is ridiculous. Happy homes aren't born, they're formed. They're molded. They're created through direct action. There are a few simple steps a woman can take to encourage contentment in her home:
1. Family is... imperfect people living in an imperfect world with other imperfect people. Never forget that we are also imperfect. Getting too big for our britches and trying to control everything never ends well. Never.
2. Remember to be a servant - and enjoy it. Learn to appreciate the rewards of simply serving others. Regardless of what our strengths are in the home, there will always be some things we just don't enjoy doing. But training ourselves to see serving our families as an honor goes a long way to creating an atmosphere of contentment.
3. Welcome our husbands home at the end of their day. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in whatever we have going on around the house that we forget our husbands need us, too. It doesn't take long to remember them and appreciate them for a moment.
4. Develop an attitude of positive encouragement for those around us. Whether we're guiding our first grader through homework, helping our teenager deal with the loss of their first love, or talking with our husband about a problem in our marriage, an attitude of positive encouragement will get us much further than nagging criticism. It will not only help to solve whatever problem we're dealing with faster, it will also go a long way in creating an atmosphere of contentment in our homes.
5. Offer forgiveness freely. Holding on to an offense hurts us, damages our families, and creates a constant undercurrent of tension in the home. Letting go of the hurt, forgiving, and moving on does the opposite.
6. Forget about "my way or the highway." Whether or not we get our own way doesn't really matter in the long run. Really. I'm serious. Even when it comes to something that feels incredibly important at the time, jump ten years into the future and look back on that "big deal" and you will see that it really wasn't that big a deal after all. If you're old enough to be reading this and stay with me this far, you're at least old enough to know that now - at the age of fifteen - it doesn't really matter that much that you didn't get the swing at recess. And if you've made it to 40, you know that now it doesn't really matter that you ended up camping instead of going to that hotel in Belize. And if you just read that and said, "Yes, it really does matter," refer back to #5.
7. Be truthful. It's not always easy to say what's true - but it should be a rule in our homes if we want contentment. Not being trustworthy damages relationships. All relationships.
8. Expect and accept the truth. Even more difficult than speaking the truth is hearing it. Let's face it, sometimes the truth about ourselves isn't all that fun. But if we have a spouse who is willing to tell us the truth, we should embrace it. It builds trust, and it can help us to see ourselves in a different light leading us to make positive changes.
9. Remain engaged, even when the going gets rough. It can be so tempting to pull away from family members who are presenting specific challenges to us at times. But pulling away is not a recipe for contentment or peace.
10. Never give up. 'Nuff said.
As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live. -Pope John Paul II
I don't have to be Catholic to recognize the wisdom in Pope John Paul II's statement. I take a look around my community and I see fractured families, confused children, families that are together and unfulfilled... but very few intact, happy homes. I look at the nation and I see leaders without conscience, embittered voters, and a general public that is so polarized there is very little reasonable discussion of the issues. Look at the world and we see nations at odds with one another, talk of wiping each other off the map -- uprisings, wars, insurrections, etc...
It seems that everything is going the same direction, just on a different scale.
Far too often, people struggle with problems that feel insurmountable. A cheating spouse, a child gone wild, loss of income, loss of a loved one, separation, alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction, mental illness... and the list goes on. What is the answer for hurting families?
To start simply, the answer is JESUS. He is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the answer to everything (and yes, I truly do believe that). Obedience to Him will bring peace, contentment, healing, and... dare I say it? More trouble. Yes, He promises that, too. But in submitting to the will of God, we can gain a freedom we never thought possible.
But what does submission to Him look like? What is one to do with some of the intense problems we run across in life? What kind of actions should be taken? Answering some of these questions is what this blog is all about.
I don't have to be Catholic to recognize the wisdom in Pope John Paul II's statement. I take a look around my community and I see fractured families, confused children, families that are together and unfulfilled... but very few intact, happy homes. I look at the nation and I see leaders without conscience, embittered voters, and a general public that is so polarized there is very little reasonable discussion of the issues. Look at the world and we see nations at odds with one another, talk of wiping each other off the map -- uprisings, wars, insurrections, etc...
It seems that everything is going the same direction, just on a different scale.
Far too often, people struggle with problems that feel insurmountable. A cheating spouse, a child gone wild, loss of income, loss of a loved one, separation, alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction, mental illness... and the list goes on. What is the answer for hurting families?
To start simply, the answer is JESUS. He is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the answer to everything (and yes, I truly do believe that). Obedience to Him will bring peace, contentment, healing, and... dare I say it? More trouble. Yes, He promises that, too. But in submitting to the will of God, we can gain a freedom we never thought possible.
But what does submission to Him look like? What is one to do with some of the intense problems we run across in life? What kind of actions should be taken? Answering some of these questions is what this blog is all about.
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